Transitions, or the Spaces In Between

I was child who had a rough time with transitions. Especially goodbyes. When summer rolled around, my parents felt they needed to send me away from Los Angeles, to see other parts of the world and live different experiences. My mom would take me to the airport and get me and my bags checked in. In the moments leading up to the goodbye, my stomach would gnaw and twist. Those unsettled feelings had less to do with where I was going; I would worry about that later. It was the goodbye that I couldn't digest.

When it was time to embrace my mom, the tears would flood and sometimes would not stop for hours. Every where I looked in the airport reminded me of the separation. People hugging and kissing hello. Others giving a last tearful embrace. If my plane got delayed, which inevitably happened, I would call my mom sobbing from a pay phone. I didn't care about not taking off on time, and potentially missing my connecting flight. I was still stuck on goodbye. The letting go of her and the people and places I loved. Underlying my sadness was a fear. "What if I never come back?" "What if I never see my mom ever again?"

When I watch kids in their classrooms, how they handle transitions is of primary interest. Those spaces between being one place and another. That awkward time between letting go of one thing and embracing something new. I see it in the way they say goodbye to mom in the morning, and the manner in which they are able to settle down afterwards. Some kids cry intensely at the separation, and sit right down at the art table to work on a project. It is as if they are saying, "That hard moment is over, but now I am ready to be here."

Some kids look away during the goodbye and pretend they don't care. They spend the next few hours bouncing from one thing to the next, poking other children who are concentrating, vying for the teacher's attention. Their body language speaks volumes: "I want to be here but I cannot forget that I am not with my dad."

Some kids say goodbye and hold back tears. They take a seat and watch the other children playing before entering into the classroom. "I'll be ready in a minute. Just give me some space."

Hello at the end of the day is another big transition. Sometimes the kids with the most difficult goodbyes have the hardest time saying hello. They ignore their parents or run from them. "I finally got used to being without you, and now it's time to go."

Some kids cry at the relief of it, as if they had been holding their breath the whole time mom and dad were gone. "Thank goodness you are here! I can finally relax and be myself..."

Other kids don't want to let go of the school day. Going home means dinner time and bed time. They don't want to stop the fun. "Please dad, just 5 more minutes?!?"

A four year old child I was working with was struggling with her parent's divorce, an immensely difficult transition for children. While playing a therapeutic "feelings" game with her, she spontaneously related every emotion on the cards to hellos and goodbyes:

"I am happy when my mom comes to pick me up."

"I am sad when my mom brings me to school."

"I am excited when I see mom's car in the parking lot."

"I am surprised when she comes and picks me up early."

I am disappointed when she gets here late."

Hellos and goodbyes are tough on us all. Comings and goings are difficult for children and adults alike. All transitions represent endings, from smaller transitions (coming into the classroom after outside time, or leaving the house in the morning) to big ones (falling asleep at night or seeing dad off at the airport ). They are metaphors for life's final goodbyes.

If your child is having a hard time with transitions, try and put yourself in their shoes. Ask yourself, "What might my child be fearing?" Reflect on the way you handle your own transitions, from seemingly insignificant ones ("How long does it take me after I get to my office to finally settle down and work? What are my rituals around that?") to larger ones ("How do I manage my own hellos and goodbyes?" "What is it like for me to separate from people that I love?") or ("How easy it it for me to let go of the day when it is time to go to sleep?")

If you are looking for ways to support your child's transitions, ask his or her teachers for some suggestions. Invest time in your child's transitions. If morning goodbyes are difficult for them, allow more time so that you do not feel frustrated with your child and make it worse. Don't shy away from your own difficult feelings around separation. Ask yourself, "Are there emotions or sensations that I am experiencing that might be making this process worse?"

If you need help navigating transitions (bedtime, drop offs and pick ups, getting out of the house in the morning), or you child's transitions have suddenly become inflexibile or marked by intense hardship or strife, seek consultation from a school psychologist, early childhood mental health consultant, or private mental health professional. This is an indication that your child (or you) needs support.

We cannot take the pain of goodbye away from children, but we can support their emotional openness and flexibility to all of life's experiences, positive and negative. This will help them develop resiliency for the many difficult hellos and goodbyes to come.

How do you define emotional wellness in preschool aged children?

Emotional wellness in young children is the ability to form warm and loving relationships with ones peers, teachers, and parents. It is the ability to play imaginatively and lose oneself in an activity, such as drawing, painting, cooking, blocks, or puzzles. It is the ability to learn the many things that the world has to teach about people, places, letters, numbers. In an essence, emotional wellness in children is what Freud concisely characterized it to be in adults: the ability to love and work.

Emotional wellness is much easier to define in its absence, when there are challenges and difficulties. What are the signs of emotional difficulties in young children?

One big sign of emotional problems in young children is when they have difficulties relating to other people. Relationships with adults are marked by power struggles and strife. Instead of feelings of affection and patience, teachers and parents frequently feel aggravation and frustration. "I did not sign up for this," is a common refrain.

Relationships with peers may also be a problem. Children may act aggressively with other children instead of sharing and playing. They may tease others, provoke others or act meanly.

Aggression may be turned on themselves, in words and behavior. Children may say things such as, "I hate myself," or "Nobody likes me," or "I hate my life." They may act recklessly and engage in self-injurious behaviors, such as jumping off high places or banging their heads.

Withdrawn behavior is another sign of emotional difficulties in young children, though it rarely receives the same attention as externalized behaviors. Children who shy away from interactions with their teachers and peers, and who are generally not engaged in life in the same joyful and spontaneous way as other children may be a cause for concern. Particularly if this behavior has come on suddenly.

Another sign of emotional difficulties in children is in their transitions. Children may run away when it is time to come off the playground, nervously giggling while taking flight from their teacher. They may wander from their classroom when the activity changes, or erupt into a tantrum. Separations may be marked by prolonged disturbances from which the child is not able to easily recover. Instead of exhibiting flexibility during moments of change, they respond with rigidity and fear.

Other signs of emotional difficulties are disturbances in sleep, such as nightmares or night terrors. Night terrors are when a child awakens a few hours after going to bed screaming, thrashing, and crying. His eyes are wide open and he appears panicked and frightened, but, in fact, he is still asleep. Both nightmares and night terrors are associated with anxiety about daytime events, particularly conflict between a child's parents.

A child with emotional difficulties may also soil or wet themselves beyond the time when this is considered developmentally appropriate. In fact, a child's age and stage of development must be taken into account when considering any of the aforementioned symptoms (separation anxiety, aggression, disturbances in social interactions, tantrums, sleep disturbances, enuresis, and encopresis). For example, wetting at age two is considered developmentally appropriate, but at age five it is not. An inability to share is expected by age four but not at one and a half.

If you are wondering whether or not your child is having emotional difficulties, ask your child's teacher. Request a meeting with the mental health consultant or psychologist working at your child's school. Seek out professionals in your community that are specialized in working with young children.

It is a common misperception that a child's social-emotional functioning is separate and distinct from their cognitive abilities. They are inherently linked. A simple example follows: if a child is distracted by his or her own anxieties, it will be hard for him to sit down at circle time and learn from a story. If you want to support your child's cognitive development and later academic prowess, you need to set them on the right track socially and emotionally.

Many parents feel embarrassed or ashamed to say that they or their child is having emotional difficulties. There is a cultural stigma about all things psychological. Many parents think that seeing a therapist means they, their child or their family is crazy. There is nothing stigmatizing about supporting your child's development and bettering your relationship with your child!